Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
