Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
