dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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