I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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