how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
