if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
