dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
