im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
