I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
