My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
