Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
