I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
