Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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