Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
