I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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