Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
