im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
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My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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