Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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