Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
