the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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