WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
