These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
