So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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