My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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