New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
