I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"