dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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