you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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