i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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