four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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