I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ladies don't puke and tell
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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