I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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