I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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