im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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