I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
