He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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