i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My breasts were aching with rage.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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