Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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