dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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