I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
