We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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