I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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