So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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