opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
