can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
