WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
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It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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