dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
