Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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