I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
