I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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