My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
