broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
