I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
All I want is dick and wine.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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