I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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