life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
