Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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