I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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