you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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