god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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