I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
