This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
