He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
