Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ugly people sure do ruin things
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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