he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
