i think my mom watched the whole time
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
