I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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